Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Not a super Hero

This has been the busiest week on record I think. Here I thought I would accomplish so much at home with Jeff gone (it's the perfect opportunity to rearrange the furniture or try to spruce up the place, right?)

Actually, I enjoy that adventure ... but if the truth were to be told Jeff usually doesn't notice for a few days or weeks that things are different. And who can blame him, after being gone it's just nice to see the family and the house and the sofa no matter where it happens to be in the living room.

This week though has had me zinging from my dentist to play dates to watching peoples children to going to T-ball and hockey practice ... I almost think this must be a candid camera joke to see how much I can juggle while on my own? And if it is I'm afraid I'm failing miserably because I'm kinda grouchy. Ug.

I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I had way too high of hopes of what I might accomplish. Ya, I actually thought I would somehow be able to get the kids in bed on time and be able to paint some of our terribly fingerprinted and toy dented walls a fabulous new hue. And also find some feng shui harmony in our bedroom where there currently resides piles of magazines and clothes and pictures and toys that for some reason are hanging out in there far away from the real place they should call home! And I was going to do this with a smile on my face, brownies in the oven and fun educational activities for the kids all day long. ya.

Actually, I should have known it was gonna be an uphill battle right from the start when we left our new batman sunglasses at the park on Thursday after dropping Jeff at the airport. No, I'm not a superhero ... but I feel like even less of the possibility of ever being one when I scolded my 4 yr old for leaving his new sunglasses in the grass when I later realized that it was ME who gave them to our 1 year old to play with and then failed to pick them up. I'm sure this is supposed to teach my kids that I'm human and that when I say I'm sorry that they'll learn to ask for forgiveness too and to forgive as well ... but nevertheless it began the spiral that continued through Monday when I arrived at our playdate at my son's friend's house. I had never been at their home before and it was wonderful and lovely. The thing was though ... it was emmaculate ... perfectly ordered ... non-cluttered, well decorated, smartly painted and decorated. Ug.

I suddenly felt like such a let down and not because of anything anyone else did ... it was simply self-loathing at it's finest and I really am going to hang this one on Satan because he knows where my weak spots are and has a knack for hitting them at the times when I'm a bit vulnerable. It ended with me reasoning that my engineer husband would probably just die for this orderly world and clean, uncluttered countertops ... oh my goodness and he probably would. But of course this didn't end there, it continued to mushroom in my own mind. He was not there, he didn't see any of it, hadn't heard a word of it or even seen the look that I must have had in my eyes as my heart sank somewhere deep into the pit of my stomach when I convinced myself that I was a big disappointment and failure because I leave crumbs on the counter after I make my husband's sandwich for his lunch at 5:30 in the morning ... or because I have piles of articles I would love to read but can't because my kids want me to read them a story instead or because the laundry is folded on the floor and not in the drawers because someone needed the slip n' slide put up and I never quite got back to what I was doing. No, I'm not everything I wish I was and I know that I let those around me down more than I would wish ... but I also know that God made me this way and perhaps my struggle with all this "stuff" is meant to help me simplify and look at what is real and what is important. I will try to have clean countertops but I also know they won't stay that way because we live here and life takes room to happen. I hope I can find peace with that.

P.S. Jeff continues to enjoy China and has so many wonderful things to say about the people there. He has not been out of the big city of Shanghai though and probably will not have the opportunity on this trip to do so. It will be interesting to hear any further stories about his experience when he gets home.
Here's a cheesey picture of what a non-superhero looks like. (Notice the lack of cape, spiffy boots or golden super-letter on my shirt.)

4 comments:

TanyaLea said...

I think your photo is great! ...and you might not have a cape, but you sound like a super-mom to me!! Ya, I know what it's like to make all those fix-up, get EXTRA unordinary things accomplished, yada-yada-yada, PLANS for when your husband is gone traveling for work. My hubby is an engineer, too...so I know all about it!! But just carrying on with life as a single parent during their away time is more than enough to fill an already busy schedule. It's great to have goals though!! :)

Sounds like you need another get away! We are FINALLY breaking away and finding our way to a cabin up north...leaving in the morning and I can hardly wait! Need some good ol' nature refreshing time!! God bless! <><

Hugs,
Tanya

Tara Anderson said...

I used to be an incredible housekeeper, too--but I decided that being a Mom is more important. We live in our home, make memories here, and children are nurtured here. If that means there are crumbs on the counter...well, I'll take it! It's so easy to go to someone else's home and see how "together" they are, but if you check in on a deeper level, you always discover that they are "untogether" somewhere in their lives.

And as far as the engineer thing goes...my husband is a Safety Manager and last week I took my daughter to Urgent Care because we thought there was a toy up her nose. How's that for safety?!?!

The Sanders Family said...

Valerie,

First of all, cute picture, not a cheesy picture of you silly!

Secondly, don't ever feel like you're failing because you're not living up to June Cleaver's standards. Like you said, that's satan trying to steal our joy that we find in our value in Christ. You're a loving mother and wife, and someone with a heart for God's lost children. Those are characteristics to be praised! And when it's all said and done, it won't matter how clean or organized our households are. What we'll remember, and what our kids will remember, is the time we've spent together living for Him!

Third, thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers. Can you believe tomorrow is the big day!!! I've had enough practice going to the hospital that I think we'll find our way nice and early and make sure we're first in line for induction :)

Love,
Angie

Michele said...

Well, at least you look awesome while not being a superhero! You're gorgeous! That has to count for something, right?

I have those same struggles, and truth be told, I am sure your friend does too. I bet if she came to your house, she would feel those same feelings, just in a different way. She would wish she spent more time with her babies and less time worrying about her counter tops. We have to find contentment in who we are.

Satan is going to take that kind of stuff and run with it. He has been on my back a lot lately too. He is working overtime, I think.

If it makes you feel any better, I am still in my bed (yes, it is 9:45) with my laptop, while my children destroy my house. 37 baskets of laundry are waiting to be folded, 43 baskets of laundry are waiting to be washed, my kitchen is trashed and the den? Well, we aren't going to talk about the den. My bathrooms are clean, and that is about it.

Your kids will remember their mommy as someone that took the time to take them to the playground, and stopped doing what she was doing to help them or be with them. THAT is what is important.

The family

The family