I started writing this post yesterday. But instead of getting finished and posted, it sat in the EDIT mode as the morning turned in other directions of a thousand things that came up keeping me from finishing and posting it. But in retrospect I think God just wanted me to be still for a moment and SEE and HEAR the things happening around me. Not to speak ... but to listen. To name just a few, let's see, there was the post on "Not enough money for adoption" and how God provides beyond any measure. And another post from a friend on how her adoption journey has officially STARTED after so much patience and faith in God's direction! And still another post on "Being Careful What You Ask For" and Unfamiliar Grace.
Let me follow that yesterday was one of those dips in the road kinda days when I didn't feel like I was doing a very good job with ALL that I have been blessed with. So badly I would like to make a difference and not just watch from the other side of the computer. But just look at the last 2 sentences ... how many "I's" can be used in so few words? It's not about me ... or shouldn't be and even though I can't SEE the things that God may be doing with my life, I am certain that as I turn to Him and ask what He wants from me ... He will not be disappointed. I just need to be patient and keep turning to Him to know where and what His plans are.
Here's where yesterday's post was going:
(my apologies for its length)
This is not the way it was supposed to happen. According to me (here's where things obviously start to fall apart) I was supposed to mention the idea of adoption to my husband and he was supposed to fall deeply and instantly in love with the idea.
That was 3+ years ago.
So much for instant.
And because we are SO blessed with WONDERFUL boys I was supposed to amazingly be drawn to little girls. In fact that is what seemed to be the spark that lit this fire so many moons ago. But maybe that was just God getting my attention.
God's love is SO much deeper than that. So much deeper than we can comprehend.
After a recent email that I responded to brought that out of my heart and so clearly to my eyes in my very own words of response, it confirms in me that it's not about raising a "girl" ... but that adoption is about a child, not a gender. And of course that seems obvious ... but really searching for motives and agendas and asking God why this path is even here, it was a sort of epiphany for me.
This is not the first time I have been swept away by God's surprise move. In March, when I first came across New Day Foster Home's website that I am certain came after much, much, much deep prayer. I remember searching every nook and cranny of the website. (No, really, I even took the online tour and probably could navigate around the place having not even been there in real life!) So when they posted about their newest children I was excited ... but then I found out that they were "older"--not the cute little babies that everyone just falls in love with. My heart was admittedly not where it should have been ... but in a surprise move by God ... I was SO moved by Elizabeth's story and in such an unexpected way. It stayed with me and I thought of her so often and prayed for her spirit that had been rocked beyond anything I can imagine ... It led to me sharing this passion for orphans with my husband, a wonderful opportunity to bless Carrie at New Day and to also shower some love on Elizabeth and to see God moving and doing so many things. It was an answer to prayer of "Where was He in all the hurt?" AMAZING. My short synopsis there does not accurately relay the awesomeness of it all.
Fast forward through the summer and so much growth on our part as a family. I kept reading about families who would mention that on their journey when they saw that very first picture of their child they just "KNEW" it was their child in the deepest part of their heart ... wow, that always kinda escaped me because as much as I have a heart for the children I saw, it seemed a little different than the deep overwhelming love that I have for my own children. I didn't want to ever view adoption as adopting an orphan ... but adopting my son or daughter. I wasn't sure if this was even a normal thought. Would I ever feel that feeling? Of course I felt so drawn to Elizabeth, but her story has so much more wrapped up with it along with New Day and so many other feelings. I wondered how people ever know. What is this feeling like? I prayed about it ... and figured that since I didn't have this magical "feeling" for any specific child that my role was probably that of an encourager and an advocate for adoption. (Let's pretend that my husband has been swayed by the voice of God and that he is on board with growing our family ... okay? )
That was until I saw a little boy named Samuel.
Funny how his English given name means "God Heard."
I don't know him but his sweet little face makes my heart hurt as deep as it would for any of my other children. How is that for a bold statement?! And it is not a surface love that I have for my children. So I cannot explain how or why I would feel this way about another little person whom I don't know, have never held or really know anything about. But I now know how it can happen. How someone can fall so in love with a little person from afar. Maybe it's falling in love with an idea that has a face to it knowing that in reality they may be so much different than your mental picture of them. And yet you just love. And I think it's the love of the hope and potential that they hold. When you "see" that, you see them so much deeper.
While responding to Operation Giggle I at first thought I could just let God decide who we would sponsor ... well that lasted about one day and I broke down and had to re-email and reveal that I would especially love to have one of three possible children if they were still available. It wasn't that I wouldn't be overjoyed to buy a Christmas present for any and all of the children (if I had the means to do so) ... but I seemed especially excited if I could be matched with one of these children. I wished I could have had the patience to let God choose ... but I couldn't. Then yesterday (Tuesday) with the updated list I noticed the 2 little boys on MY list were on the bigger NOT YET TAKEN list. I felt sick to my stomach with angst about Samuel. Not disappointed that I probably had been matched with one of my very special other choices ... but I really felt so deeply that I was missing out if I didn't sponsor him too. I cannot express how overwhelming this was. SO I re-emailed Sherri again (at this point she's probably throwing darts at my blog photo) and asked that if it wasn't too selfish of me I'd love to have 2 children to sponsor. So I wait to hear what direction my shopping cart will head. Three pounds is the max weight for gifts. That seems so small. But that way I have to focus and streamline and really pray about what this child would love so much. And any time I turn to God ... that's always good.
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