8 years ago I was pregnant with our first child.
It was a JOURNEY ...
... to say the least!
And by this time of the spring in 2003, my lightly pregnant belly had turned into this ...
Okay, that was actually mid April--but considering Brayden wasn't born until May 18th, nearly one MONTH after this photo was taken, could you all do a community groan with me? Wonder no more why I needed belly button hernia surgery late last year after three of these pregnancies. (Do you see my regular waistline about two feet underneath the belly? No really. Click on the photo to zoom in. It hurts for me to look at this.)
(A photographer friend surprised me last week with a book of these long forgotten pregnancy photos that we had taken along with some HILARIOUS out-takes from our wedding. We look so young and fresh!)
But I digress. I remember being super pregnant and being filled with hormones ... and I came across the sweetest little bunny at the craft store. I just HAD to have it ...
It was one of the strongest pregnancy related things I can remember having caved to ...
The bunny was little and dressed in a tiny mint green dress with a little flower tucked behind her ear. Totally a silly purchase. But I HAD.TO.HAVE.IT. So silly. Secretly, it seemed like a confirmation to me that yes, I would be having a little girl who would love that bunny.
funny, in retrospect eh?
Well, when Brayden arrived and we became a family more siding with the male side of things numbering 2 to 1, this was lost to the back of the shelf eventually finding its way to a drawer as did anything remotely pink or even purple ... in fact ... I kinda shy-ed away from anything particularly girly--maybe subconsciously at first--but then outrightly, so I'd fit in more as "one of the guys" ... Soon came Easton ... more males tipping the scales away from Pink, 3 to 1. That color had simply been banned from our house of camouflage and blues. (I'm not kidding here.)
When I was pregnant with Nolan, our third son, hope rallied again for my pink futures and one day I wore a pink flowered shirt to an ob appt. As I was getting ready upstairs I decided to pull it out of the box of hand-me-down things from my sister (who is blonde, blue-eyed and fair skinned and looks great in pink by the way) and just secretly hoped "maybe the pink would soak in" (heh heh.) I came down the stairs ready to collect the kids and head out for the doctor's appt. when Easton, then just 2 and a half, stopped me in my tracks on the stairs with an incredible declaration coming from such a young little guy ... especially since I honestly didn't think he ever noticed what I was wearing.
He said, "WHAT. IS THAT??!!"
To be honest, I spun around to see if there was a spider or bug on the wall ... but he clearly was astonished that I would ever think about wearing pink over his little brother. (The boys knew somehow that it wasn't a little girl in there even if we didn't.)
It's amazing the power little kid's words have. It was like a thousand spears of accusation at my heart. I didn't wear pink after that--and that was almost 3 years ago ... and really I felt guilty if I even looked at it.
Recently however ... that pink has been knocking on my door. No, not that a baby is ANYWHERE in sight, don't give Jeff a heart attack with that thought. It's just that in these bleak last days of winter when the grays of melted snow and brown flat grass all around have me begging for any sort of color I have taken delight in that dear old friend, "Pink."
I hope the boys will forgive me ... but I just love my new pink Calgary Flames hooded Sweatshirt ... and my new hot pink phone cover ... and my pink lined bag that I occasionally have the courage to use ... my pink un-mentionables and even enjoying pink candy.
Sorry boys, I just need a break from the overwhelming camo, blues and hunter-greens and all things sports, guns and hockey in this house ...
I am a girl. And you can enjoy that at least my new pink hoodie has the name of a hockey team embroidered on the front.
I can still be the mom of a house full of boys and wear pink, right?
It's a quiet revolution ... and one that will have an attendance of one ... but hello Pink. I've missed you.
Embracing a Traumaversary
10 hours ago