Thursday, April 11, 2013

Dreading

The day I have been dreading will come tomorrow.
Kindergarten Roundup for my youngest child.

Especially because this was thrown at me 3 weeks ago out of the blue and I was pretty much told I had no choice but to send him to school due to a change in state laws (which I'm not sure is totally true--with his summer birthday we had planned to start him in preschool next year and then kdg. the following year and I have heard from reliable sources that these school rules stem from the money the school receives for Kdg. being more than what they receive for PreK students.) So I'm more than a bit resentful on several levels.

I will admit that being in a structured setting with academic expectations will grow Nolan. And I will admit also that he is ready. Ready in the sense that he's on fire about learning. We've cranked up the school expectations here at home lately and he's risen to the challenge no question. But he by far is the most  non-sitting child that we have. It will be a learning adventure for him (and the teacher) to have to sit all day at a desk. It would have been nice to have known earlier in the year these regulation changes so he could have eased into the situation with a few days of preschool a week. But oh well. That ship has sailed.

I am confident that Nolan will love school and especially the friends he will make there. He's VERY social. I am sad to know the change in him that will come when he is out of our bubble. It's inevitable when he's around kids who have seen and lived the rougher side of life.

I am not so confident that I'm ready to surrender this "season of my life" either. Oh I hate that phrase "season." In fact all catch phrases really stink. Maybe I just don't embrace change well. But maybe I'm truly not ready to have it be over. There's really not much exciting waiting on the other side of "this season" after all. I've submitted, I've surrendered, I've emptied ... so much into motherhood and I am now not sure where that leaves me.

I feel a bit bitter and I don't want that to take root.
So I'm trying to keep my hand open ... and my heart there too. Being thankful in all things.
Sasha the dog, Nolan and his little stuffed deer at the barn in the morning helping me feed the horses.

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The family

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